many many $ questions too

[Mom_in_law]

my son in law is going to deploy in April. He has allocated direct deposit of pay, life insurance, survivorship benefits (?)... all to his parents. His pregnant wife (our daughter) is expected to come live with us for the 15 month deployment without any income or support for her or their child for that time.They are not separated or estranged. I am wondering if there is anything she can do to receive some kind of support while he is gone as we are not in a position to take care of all the needs of a new baby. Thank you for any and all input.

[kmullins]

i recommend a boot in his ***, but thats just me!

[Fireball]

my son in law is going to deploy in April. He has allocated direct deposit of pay, life insurance, survivorship benefits (?)... all to his parents. His pregnant wife (our daughter) is expected to come live with us for the 15 month deployment without any income or support for her or their child for that time.They are not separated or estranged. I am wondering if there is anything she can do to receive some kind of support while he is gone as we are not in a position to take care of all the needs of a new baby. Thank you for any and all input.

That doesn't sound right... it sounds as though he has that in his will for if he dies... not while he is deployed??? Sounds like you guys need to ask him what that is all about. There is obviously some issues... what was his response when she (your daughter) talked to him about it?

[Mom_in_law]

They have only been married since March and she is 9 weeks pregnant. They are going to a marriage counselor on Monday. My daughter wanted to wait until then to discuss it with him as everything seems to cause a fight these days. Hopefully the counselor will have a positive impact on their relationship and they can come to terms on some of these huge issues. I will continue to come here for guidance thank you so much for your input!!:confused:

[Mom_in_law]

i recommend a boot in his ***, but thats just me!

Me too:mad: if they weren't so far away I think my husband would do just that! ;)

[kmullins]

lol, every once in a while i have to give one to my husband, but there's nothing wrong with keeping them in line.

okay, on a more serious note. i looks like they havnt been married long so mayb all this paperwork was done a long time ago and he just hasnt changed it. if that be the case she should just ask him to and hopefully that will be fine.

my husband will be going on his first deployment around that same time. the other soilders in his unit have told them horror stories of how some wives while they were away have taken all of there money and left them with nothing when they got home. i dont blame them for telling him, they are like brothers and watch out for eachother. he gave me the whole i love you and i know you would never do anything like that speech, but i know they all wonder that stuff. his check is direct deposited into our account, but i am having him deposit $200 out of every check into his own saving so he can have that when he gets home for whatever he wnats, today its a new truck, tomorow it will be a boat. he's a man go figure.

i suggest your daughter try to take an active role in his army life. fireball and i sure do. i go through all my husbands paperwork, tell him if he needs to change anything. go to the meetings. and if this doesnt work, then go but a boot in his *** for her:)

[Fireball]

They have only been married since March and she is 9 weeks pregnant. They are going to a marriage counselor on Monday. My daughter wanted to wait until then to discuss it with him as everything seems to cause a fight these days. Hopefully the counselor will have a positive impact on their relationship and they can come to terms on some of these huge issues. I will continue to come here for guidance thank you so much for your input!!:confused:

Like K said -maybe he had it set up a while back and hasn't gotten around to changing it... Since they are newly married maybe he has had some problems with past relationships and is nervous she will leave??? No one (except them) knows what they have said to each other, etc... Some guys are just immature. The whole process is overwhelming. How long has he been in the military?

My friends and I were talking about the "distancing" before the spouse leaves. Couples who rarely fight are fighting just because it is such an emotional & detailed experience that nerves are shot and you just want to shut down before you break down and cry. hahahaha! Guys don't want their girls to worry - guys get sick of the girls asking for more details (ahhahahaha); Women are nervous about holding their own and worried about their hubbies... Everyone wants to appear like they can handle it. hahaha So that behavior of "fighting" or nit-picking... are coping mechs to prepare for separation.

Just remember you only have one side - hers. Just exercise patience, and don't take sides. When she starts to ramble off about stuff... say things like "I am sure that is frustrating. You both must be under a lot of stress. You have so much going on. I can't even imagine how you feel____________... and your hubby having to leave you behind _____________________. everything must be extremely difficult for both of you...."etc... etc...

That leaves them with the impression that you are compassionate, but you're not helping her (or you) to jump to conclusions. That can only add fire or justification to feelings she is having. When really everyone is full of nerves. She is overloaded on hormones too... there is just sooooo much going on I am sure.

That is good they are getting counseling. I know talking with FRG people - some say they'll make calls to give updates on their unit overseas and the wives will reply with "We're not married anymore" or "we're separated" or "I am filing". Just be supportive as you are and encourage her (like K mentioned) to get more involved...

Wish you guys luck - keep us posted. Tell her it will get better! ;)

[Mom_in_law]

I had not even considered his fear (stress). You are so right. I am sure it must be terrible for the guys to feel like their money won't be there when they return and even worse their spouse gone as well. I will suggest to her just what was recommended; he should put some money away into a separate account to ease his own mind and have a gift to himself when he returns. I will also suggest she find the support within their unit, other wives etc..
I personally will work very hard at not being biased. It's hard to try and cope with all of this from so far away.. we are all having our 1st holidays apart and this is our daughters first time away from home... all of that rolls into feelings like he's a jerk for taking her away and the like. They will work it out I pray, but we will be here to support BOTH of them no matter what. Thanks again so much all of you. You will never know how much I believe we will all need you in the coming months.

[fujinraijin]

Ok the easist thing she can do is ask about a program called FRG, Family Readiness Group... Each unit has there own and it goes all the way up, it is for the Familys while there Loved ones are gone away to wherever... Tell to ask her husband about it and get involved they will help her with everything... Also By Army Laws, the Only thing that the spouse of the soldier is entiltled to is BAH( Basic Allowence for Housing) He can keep everything but that, and The army cant say a word, but I would Check into what it is for the Base, It changes all the time and is based on location the soldier is based out of and Rank... The FRG will help her with all these things and Tell her how to go about getting in to conntact with all the right ppl, if in fact he is taking everything and not helping her out....


Hope this Helps

[kmullins]

You are so right.

chalk another one up for Fireball, HOOAH!

[Fireball]

Ok the easist thing she can do is ask about a program called FRG, Family Readiness Group... Each unit has there own and it goes all the way up, it is for the Familys while there Loved ones are gone away to wherever... Tell to ask her husband about it and get involved they will help her with everything... Also By Army Laws, the Only thing that the spouse of the soldier is entiltled to is BAH( Basic Allowence for Housing) He can keep everything but that, and The army cant say a word, but I would Check into what it is for the Base, It changes all the time and is based on location the soldier is based out of and Rank... The FRG will help her with all these things and Tell her how to go about getting in to conntact with all the right ppl, if in fact he is taking everything and not helping her out....


Hope this Helps

Personally I wouldn't take the FRG route to involve them in marital issues... it makes him look bad as a soldier and without knowing his reasoning and without really understanding the situation - as a spouse or parent I wouldn't want anyone thinking poorly of my spouse - that can effect their character. Some FRGs are wonderful and accomplishing what they were meant to accomplish and others are just a bunch of gossips... and you don't want that situation to be gossiped about. You'll have every wife ready to put a boot in his *** and griping about him to their husbands and having them look down on her hubby. Especially if their situation will be rectified through more open communication and a counselor. Give it some time before involving fellow soldiers/his commander, etc... I would just hate to have it turn into a situation that spins out of control without knowing ALL the details. Knowing they are getting help should bring some peace of mind.

The FRG though is a GREAT resource though to get information and help. I use them for social things... ie: WALK TO IRAQ AND BACK (a group of women that gather together to walk as many miles as it would be from here to Iraq and back during 15 months)... updates on the unit... Christmas help programs, etc... etc...

Fire

[Fireball]

chalk another one up for Fireball, HOOAH!

Kudos to you as well my friend. ;)

[kmullins]

The FRG though is a GREAT resource though to get information and help. I use them for social things... ie: WALK TO IRAQ AND BACK (a group of women that gather together to walk as many miles as it would be from here to Iraq and back during 15 months)... updates on the unit... Christmas help programs, etc... etc...
Fire

i havent heard about this walk, as you may remember, i'm not thrilled with my FRG. do you have any more info on it?

[Fireball]

i havent heard about this walk, as you may remember, i'm not thrilled with my FRG. do you have any more info on it?

I do not know if they do it at all posts... I would think so. But basically women get together and walk X amount of miles until they hit how many miles are between US and Iraq (and back)... Go to your unit webpage. They may have information on it there. My friend is getting ready to do it - and I was going to do it with her. I mean -I am walking 6-10 miles a day... hahaha I could probably go there and back and there and back again... ROFL

Wait, that makes me sound easy huh? :o :D ROFL

[mtomom]

My son is in Fort Leonard wood in AIT. When he left for Basic he opened up a account of his on and drops his check in there. All of their bills pay out of it. then he has another account that money drops in for him and one for her too! Everything is setup auto and there is never a fight! If she needs anything more she just ask, and my husband and he moves it over there.

But all of the bills that are in his name gets paid first and then they both have money to spend.

I think it was smart. he has a saving account too. So he is saving and earning at the same time. A mothers dream!!!:D;)