Stopping Army Divorce, Communication Key to Relationships

At least a quarter of all therapy sessions conducted by marriage and family therapist Belinda Jellison, a licensed, professional counselor at Lyster Army Health Clinic, are for relationships, she said. Some couples may be able to reconcile their differences, but statistics show that roughly half of married couples cannot, and the relationship ends in divorce.

The Center for Disease Control reports Alabama had 42,536 marriages and 22,405 divorces in 2004. The latest statistics from 2005 in Alabama show that of 40,737 marriages, roughly half ended in divorce.

Nationally, divorce in the Army has risen since deployments began after Sept. 11, 2001, according to a June 2005 article in USA Today. In 2004, 3,325 Army officers’ marriages ended in divorce, according to the article. It also reported the divorce rate was up 78 percent in officers’ marriages, and the 7,152 divorces among enlisted personnel were up 28 percent.

“We are probably, on a daily basis, counseling in the issues of marriage and relationships,” said Lt. Col. Randy Walker, 1st Battalion, 210th Aviation Regiment deputy installation chaplain. “Expectations are not being met, which leads to a break down of communication.”

Walker said he does not believe the Army puts pressure on relationships, but that the relationship is challenged by an environment where pressure can occur because of deployment, long hours and repeated reassignments, he said. “That would put stress on any relationship,” Walker said. “It’s up to that couple. They have the choice whether to fight it out or to invest (in their marriage).” Couples communicating well should have a good, intimate life together and effectively resolve conflict, Walker said.

“We always have conflict,” Walker said, “but people don’t always have to go for the jugular.” Most couples want to make it work and just do not like the way they are living, so they seek professional help, according to Stella Davis, Fort Rucker Family Advocacy Program manager. “If a couple is not constantly investing in the relationship, it’s not going to last,” Davis said. Focusing on the negative is also a major issue in relationships, Davis said. Jellison agreed that negative interaction can take the joy out of couples’ lives.

“It keeps the couple from having fun,” she said. “(Couples need to) make sure the marriage base is strong and take time to do things together,” she said. There are many other reasons for divorce, however. Infidelity, financial problems, over-parenting issues and inadequate communication skills are also contributing factors, according to Davis. Healthy relationships don’t just happen, Davis said. A person has to work on the relationship constantly, she said. The Family Advocacy Program’s goal is to educate couples and give them the tools they need to have healthy relationships. “Here, we create an environment so Soldiers and family members can get the help they need,” Davis said. “We want them to get help. That’s the bottom line.”

Typically, Davis gets around five calls a month about relationship issues. Usually, couples wait until therapy is a last resort, she said. “Less than 10 percent of people I see are actually being proactive,” Davis said. “The other 90 percent of relationships are in trouble.” A few families, however, are willing to seek help when they see problems arise, according to Davis. Jellison said some may have just a few things wrong, and some are looking to prevent problems and want to stay on the right path. Another major issue in divorce can occur when children are involved, according to Davis. “Children should never be put in the middle of divorces,” Davis said. “They don’t want parents to divorce or separate.”“Couples either put their heart and soul into work or the children and not each other,” Jellison said. “(They should) put the marriage first, above the children.”

Ideally, parents should tell the children about a divorce or separation together, Davis said, but the average couple does not do that. “It’s tough when a person has a divorce and has children,” she said. "(Both parents) need to find a way to be civil to each other.” If peaceful divorces are possible then children can adjust well, according to Jellison. Children have a lot of fears, anxieties and anger, often taking them out on the parent who remains, Jellison said.

“Inconsistent visits affect children when the leaving parent doesn’t remain a constant in the child’s life,” she said. “It causes loss for the child.” Children are likely to feel disbelief, fear, worry, sadness, anger, embarrassment and guilt because of the parents’ divorce, according to a pamphlet titled, “Parents and Divorce,” distributed by the Family Advocacy Program. Though these feelings usually cannot be avoided, parents need to acknowledge and address them, according to the pamphlet.

“Children know a lot more than we think they do,” Davis said. “The key is talk. Talk to each other. It’s all about communication.” For more information about the Family Advocacy Program, call 255-3898. For information and help dealing with family and relationship issues, call the Military One Source at 1-800-342-9647 or visit www.militaryonesource.com.